Obey (verb): to follow the commands or guidance of; to comply with
Twenty years ago, on a beautiful autumn afternoon, I stood in front of family and friends to speak my wedding vows.
Love? Check
Honor? Check
Obey? Wait, WHAT??
Yep, that’s right, I made a vow to Obey my husband. I knew this was coming, as we talked about this during our required pre-marital counseling with the pastor. As we were having the ceremony in my husband’s family church, a Lutheran congregation belonging to the Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod (WELS), the vows were not negotiable.
If I wanted to marry this man I loved, in this church, I would have to agree to obey.
We joked about this at first. I think my husband dreamed about the first command he’d give me…. And my bet is on something like “You will no longer root for the Packers and instead will become a Vikings fan”.
I hesitated only a moment at the idea of promising to obey my husband. Honestly, I was too “in love” and too ready for marriage to concern myself over it. I put the emphasis on Love and Honor, and was ready to jump in. I know, how naïve of me!
This work I’m doing now to dig deeper into the word OBEY is really something I should have done twenty years ago.
It would be very easy to dismiss this vow to obey as antiquated doctrine, but all my time studying the Bible contradicts that idea.
Searching for the word “Obey” in an online Bible (multiple translations), I found that it is almost always used about obeying God and His commands (and a few references for children to obey their parents, and slaves to obey their masters).
Peter and the other apostles replied: “We must obey God rather than human beings!” Acts 5:29
But if anyone obeys his word, love for God is truly made complete in them. 1 John 2:5
In John 14:21, Jesus tells us how to demonstrate our love to Him – by obeying his commands. Then ten verses later, He models this for us when He says, “The world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what my Father has commanded me.” Jesus is conveying this:
Obedience is not the path to earn Love, rather it’s the response to the Love already given us.
God’s commands are given out of love. They show us how to live an abundant, eternal life. Obeying His commands demonstrates our trust in Him, our love and respect for Him. He always has our best interests in mind, though it may be hard to see that sometimes.
Since no verses distinctly command a wife to obey her husband, to get to the root of the vow I made, it seems the scriptures about wives “submitting” to their husbands are the key. Submit means to yield oneself to the authority or will of another.
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. Ephesians 5:22
However, this verse can easily be taken out of context and misused as an isolated command. It is important to look at the entire passage of Ephesians 5:21-33, as the instructions are for Christian Households, not just for Christian wives. The first sentence commands us to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”. The command that follows is then for the husbands: “Love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Obeying and honoring my husband is part of our godly relationship. But my husband loving me as Christ loved the church is also part of our godly relationship. These responsibilities go hand-in-hand, each of us with a commitment to uphold.
Some people may recoil at using the vow “to obey” due to the belief that this translates to inequality, or a sense of the husband having greater worth. I believe with 100% certainty that my worth is in Christ, and so is my husband’s, and in that, we are equal. We are both co-heirs with Christ, both precious children of a loving Father. That fact doesn’t change when I agree to obey my husband.
What you need to know about the man I married…
He laughs easily, is highly competitive, and has a keen intellect. He is an amazing handyman for our home and vehicles. Most importantly, he is a caring friend, loyal husband, and engaged father. I am confident he always has our family’s best interests in mind. His kind heart and positive outlook lead to good decisions. I trust him completely.
On our wedding day, I couldn’t stop smiling. Only once did I experience a fleeting moment of apprehension. We had spent the early afternoon together with our family and the wedding party for pictures prior to the ceremony. Laughing, crying, posing, goofing around. We all went downstairs as the guests started arriving and snacked on some sandwiches.
At one point, I looked around and my soon-to-be-husband was nowhere to be seen. Anxiety quickened my heart. It took a minute for me to realize he had left the room to take his place at the end of the aisle. The time for the ceremony had come. That moment of being without him has stuck with me for twenty years, constantly reminding me what a gift it is to have him by my side.
That night we enjoyed our first dance to the song “Storybook Love” from the “Princess Bride” movie soundtrack.
He laid his heart at the foot of my dress.
In response to his great love for me, I renew my vow to love, honor and, yes, obey.
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My writing here by no means encourages someone to obey an abusive spouse. If you are in an abusive relationship, or know someone who is, please seek support at https://www.thehotline.org/help/