A few weeks ago, I shared the story behind the revival of this blog (see Legacy).  That story was relatively easy to share.  But how did it come to be that a revival was even necessary?

That’s more difficult to write about.

I can only explain to the extent of my own current understanding.  Like much in life, I’m sure greater insight will come as time passes, so long as I have a willingness to explore.

So here goes my attempt at that exploration – a look at the word:  Wander.

After actively blogging for two years, I didn’t make an intentional decision to stop.  I just wandered away from it.  Several months into the Covid-19 pandemic, life shifted. I began therapy for mental illness, and my writing time – once poured into reflecting on faith – was redirected.

My writing transitioned into a different nature – mostly a form of homework between therapy sessions, a way to process what I’d heard from the therapist and practice the new tools she explained to me.  This wasn’t the type of writing to share on One Word Faith. In full transparency, while being deeply vulnerable with my therapist, I found it difficult to extend that same vulnerability to others – or even to God.

Therapy challenged me in new ways and deepened my understanding of mental illness.  During this time, some of my beliefs about the world and about psychology changed.

So, I wandered. I drifted away from daily intimacy with Jesus.

I heard an analogy once about how God is the driver of a pickup truck with a long bench seat.  God never changes position, He’s right there still carrying me forward, and I’m the one who moves – sliding closer to Him or further away.  While I focused on therapy, I slid further away. But I never doubted His presence and providence.

I wandered, yes, but I never got out of the truck.

I never stopped feeling God’s presence.  I never wandered away from what I call my faith “pillars” – unchanging truths that steadied me then and steady me now:

Pillar	Scriptural Foundation	Personal Experience
God Loves Me	For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  John 3:16	Because
God Hears Me	I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. Psalm 116: 1-2	Pray
God is Always with Me	God has said, “Never will I leave you;     never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5	Story
God Keeps His Promises	For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ.  2 Corinthians 1:20	Before

These pillars are built from both scripture and personal experiences (see the posts linked to read more about those). They became my survival essentials…

• The walking sticks that kept me steady on uneven ground.
• The water that refreshed me when I thirsted.
• The compass that reminded me I still had a guiding force.

In his letter to the Romans, Apostle Paul makes a list of that which cannot separate us from the Love of God. 

I’m convinced that nothing can separate us from God’s love in Christ Jesus our Lord: not death or life, not angels or rulers, not present things or future things, not powers or height or depth, or any other thing that is created. Romans 8:38-39

Wandering cannot separate us from God’s love in Christ Jesus, of this I’m sure!

My wandering has afforded me great new perspective on the stories of the Israelites, who were known to wander away from God – repeatedly. They got caught up in distractions, other idols, started believing in their own abilities, until disaster struck, or a need arose, and realized they needed God. 

However, in their forty years of “wandering in the wilderness”, the Israelites were still led by God.  God used pillars of clouds and fire to show them when and where to stop. God also provided them daily manna to eat.  His presence went with them, faithfully.

Whenever the cloud ascended from the tent, the Israelites would march. And the Israelites would camp wherever the cloud settled. Numbers 9:17

Therapy became a part of my wilderness – an honest, necessary wandering where I learned to face both pain and truth.  But even there, God did not forsake me.

God has never forsaken, nor will forsake, His wanderers.

I’ve led you in the wilderness forty years now; neither the clothes on your back nor the sandals on your feet have worn out. Deuteronomy 29:5

All through the wandering, I stood confident in a loving, merciful God – I just didn’t know Him as well as I once did.  It’s a bit like some of my oldest friendships – I always carry a trust in our relationships, that the underlying care and love is unshakable, but sometimes we don’t know each other as well as we once did.

Just exploring the concept of wandering has given me a sense of peace.  Perhaps I judged myself for wandering – thinking it somehow made me a hypocrite, or less of a Christian, or unfaithful. But I see now this period of wandering – for me – was just a different season of my faith journey. 

I never left my faith or my God, and He never left me. This season just had more of a gentleness, a quietness, a “settling in” to the deep confidence I had built during the years prior to it.

Maybe it was also a bit of me testing God and my Faith pillars.  I had been so actively pursuing Him for years, what would happen if I stopped?  Would the pillars stand firm?

The answer is a resounding Yes!

God loves me, hears me, is always with me, and keeps his promises. 

Even when I wander.  Maybe even especially when I wander.

As I’m finding my way back to writing, I do so not from a place of having it all together but from a place of gratitude. I’m deeply thankful…

• That God’s faithfulness is never dependent on my consistency.
• That wandering can be a part of the journey, not the end of it.
• That I had my faith pillars to sustain me.
• That God walked with me into the hard places.

And most of all, that while I wandered, I was not lost;

I was being held.

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